Just Jokes



 

Contents:

Strongest Man Around
Very Important Guy
Buying the USA?
Newspaper Classifieds. Claimed to be real


Strongest Man Around

The local pub was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I"d like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.

But the crowd"s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "No, I'm a tax collector."


Very Important Guy

The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice; he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief. "No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" asks the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT? asks the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.


Buying the USA?

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1999 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2000 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".

Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.

Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation."


Newspaper Classifieds. Claimed to be real.

20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
15. Great Dames for sale.
14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
9. Man, honest. Will take anything.
8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

 

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